Breathing Deeeeeply

Tonight I hashed it out.
Tonight I realized where my heart has been.
Tonight I felt relief.
Tonight I learned I'm angry.
Tonight I learned I'm mad.
Tonight I learned I'm trying to control.
Tonight I felt my aching.
Tonight I realized I can let go.
Tonight I realized I have no idea how to do that.
Tonight I cried SOO hard.
Tonight I exploded but did not shatter.
Tonight I opened my eyes.
Tonight I confessed everything.
Tonight I felt safe to do so.
Tonight I spoke things I've never said.
Tonight I think i broke through some fear.
Tonight I became aware of the Blame Game.
Tonight I quit playing.
Tonight I felt hurt and alone.
Tonight I started to fall into the arms of my Father.
Tonight I start day one of many days to come.
Tonight I decided to grow up a little bit.
Tonight I decided to be honest with pain.
Tonight I decided to get real with my anger.


I have held in so many things that have built up for so long. I have been bursting at the seams for an outlet that would bring relief, when all the while, Jesus has been drawing me towards him. I cannot fix the people around me. I cannot control them. I cannot keep them from hurting me. I cannot change their behavior.

But,

I also cannot stay in a place to be hurt. I cannot keep blaming others for everything because I'm upset about my pain. I cannot deny my own role of dysfunction.

I CAN

start to make some healthier choices.

I CAN

forgive people before they change. Because they may never change.

Its not up to me to dictate or control or whatever it is I've been doing. I have not be honest with God about some things and I have felt somewhat scared I suppose to admit some of my fears. I have been throwing questions at Him regarding what to do, when to do it, how to do it, when this entire time he has been concerned with my
H E A R T
and that is step one. That is a very important Step One. When I put my circumstances (my question after question after question) in the forefront of my mind and the center of my concern, I am completely responding in anxiety and control! When I remember to seek Him first, he grabs ahold of my heart so passionately, tenderly and yet powerfully and I embrace Him the way He's been longing for and I have

Relief
Peace
Joy
Confidence
in Him.

Surrendered.

And suddenly, all my problems seem miniature. They no longer consume me. He does. Praise God, he satisfies the cry of my soul. And they are not immediately solved or dissolved even. No, the only thing that changes in the moment of surrender is my heart's understanding that He is in control and I am not. And now, my heart, instead of being full of anger, pride and anxiousness, is emptied out and beginning to be filled with a deep longing to be obedient to Him. I dont have all the answers or knowledge of what all i need to do. But, I know step one. and to get to step two, three, four, seventy-five, i need to know step one.

I am so grateful for God's sweet touch of mercy. His outpouring of grace and compassion over such a chaotic girl. He calms my spirit and brings peace to my soul. He is so precious. I am in love with Him even more tonight. I pray that as he continues to teach me His ways, I listen. And I grow. I want to keep responding to Him.

He breathed life into me from the start. How dare I believe that I can breathe apart from Him. What silliness. Now tonight, raw with confession and new skin, i am breathing.

Breathing Deeeeeply.


In Jesus Name,
Amen.