Befor Your Alter

fourty-three days away from being husband & wife.

Here before Your alter
I am letting go of all I've held
Of every motive, every burden
Everything that's of myself

And I just wanna wait on You, my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
To wash Your feet with humble tears
I would be poured out till nothing's left

And I just wanna wait on You, my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

Beautiful
You're beautiful, oh You're beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful

Holy, holy, holy You are, You are
Holy, holy, holy You are, You are
Holy, holy, holy You are, You are
Holy, holy, holy You are, You are

Beautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

You're beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful
Kari Jobe
'Beautiful'

Without Anxiety

This is exactly what I'd love to be doing right now.

and this is exactly where I'd love to be right now.

Today is such an inspiring day. I adore feeling stirred up to explore and create. Today is that kind of day. Even if its vicariously through these photos...for the moment.

Today I promise to:

[] draw, paint or write something fancy to a friend and mail it
[] play the guitar for more than 10 minutes
[] Begin reading Hosea and find a study guide to go with
[] pin down the groomsmen outfits with Austin!
[] bring goodies to bible study tonight - yum.
[] and I promise to check off the things I actually accomplished in my next post.

In almost everything that touches our everyday life on earth, God is pleased when we are pleased. He wills that we be as free as birds to soar and sing our Maker's praise without anxiety.
-A.W. Tozer

sixty-eight days,
Zulu

eighty-eight

under one-hundred.
under ninety.
eighty-eight.

b e a u t y

words attempt, but they fall short in describing the depth of this one's beauty.

I love you eVangeline. Catch my kisses, their looking for you.
x

94

Mi Prometido

Lucky duck am I! We will be wed in just 94 days from now. I am so much looking forward to spending my life with him. Our lives together. Our life. He has my heart and I have his. I am blessed how Jesus is so merciful. He gives gifts everyday. Not only the gift of each other, but the gift of teaching us how to better love like He does. How to forgive like He does. How to be patient as He is. How to be full of compassion as He is. How to serve as He does. How to enjoy as He does. Austin and I are learning so much. I genuinely get excited knowing that God uses our relationship as a precious tool to refine the both of us. Sometimes it is difficult. We are so unique in each others' lives. I pray that I always stay open to growing. That I always stay aware of Loving. That I always decide to endure. That I always know where Strength is. That I always trust when I can't seem to find it. That I always encourage and care for and serve and honor and respect and laugh with and adore and smother in kisses this man that will be my

H U S B A N D !

It is so very exciting to for real be making decisions with him. We are in the midst of wedding plans, honeymoon plans, where-to-live plans and other plans along these lines. It is a challenge, a beautiful one at that, to keep focused on the important and long-lasting things. We will have a wedding for a few hours. We will be married till death parts us. What a gigantic difference. Oh Lord, fix my eyes on you when they stray and worry over silly things. Keep me from distraction and lead me in your ways. Austin is the man I've prayed for my entire life. Not only, Lord, show me who he. Although, if I keep with honesty, that impatient prayer has been prayed a time or two. But, the prayers that in the moment seem so itsy-bitsy. Lord, wherever my husband is today, draw near to him and keep him safe. Teach him something new. He is the man I've wondered about. He is way more than I ever could have dreamed. And I am so very grateful God is more creative than I am - that's for sure! It is so neat to meet Austin, fall in love with Austin, accept to marrying Austin and look at him now as my fiance and think back on those prayers and say, Wow, Lord. Thank you. You drew near to him. You kept him safe. You have been teaching him. And now, Lord, continue to draw near to us, keep us safe and teach us something new. Life is sometimes a very complex and difficult process. But in all things, there is beauty. God has a way of designing things with such perfection. Life is going to continue to be such a joyful experience. And in 94 days, I get to experience becoming a
W I F E !
Goodnight.
Its bed time, like yesterday.
X
ZuluBride

I'ma Gone Hunt'n...

It is that time! I am quitting respite care two and a half years and six families later. Its quite a bitter/sweet feeling I'm learning. I am going to miss the joy the kids bring and the lovely fun we have together. I am going to miss the families accepting me weekly into their home and lives. And quite honestly, I do take pride in my job. Its very rewarding and not many people have the privilege to work in such an amazing environment.
I am excited, however, to move on. I am ready for something fresh, something new, a paycheck with actual numbers in the [$moneyboxpartofthecheck].

but,

That means I am on the hunt for a new job! Restaurants, coffee shops, anything! (which reminds me, why am I blogging in the midday when I should be application-ing?!) Hmm.
Anyway, I am hoping to find something soon! Bye Bye.

Gone Hunt'n,
Zulu Warrior

PS. in honor of me needing some m o t i v a t i o n...Watch and enjoy and maybe this will help you put a match under your butt and get done all your to-do's for today. xoxo

HoneyBear

This man. I fell in love with him quite some time ago. I'd be a fool to let him go. He is my HoneyBear. I adore him so. Mmhmm.




I love spending my days with him. I pretty sure I'm going to keep it up.



Home, let me go ho-oh-ome. Home is wherever I'm with you.

Breathing Deeeeeply

Tonight I hashed it out.
Tonight I realized where my heart has been.
Tonight I felt relief.
Tonight I learned I'm angry.
Tonight I learned I'm mad.
Tonight I learned I'm trying to control.
Tonight I felt my aching.
Tonight I realized I can let go.
Tonight I realized I have no idea how to do that.
Tonight I cried SOO hard.
Tonight I exploded but did not shatter.
Tonight I opened my eyes.
Tonight I confessed everything.
Tonight I felt safe to do so.
Tonight I spoke things I've never said.
Tonight I think i broke through some fear.
Tonight I became aware of the Blame Game.
Tonight I quit playing.
Tonight I felt hurt and alone.
Tonight I started to fall into the arms of my Father.
Tonight I start day one of many days to come.
Tonight I decided to grow up a little bit.
Tonight I decided to be honest with pain.
Tonight I decided to get real with my anger.


I have held in so many things that have built up for so long. I have been bursting at the seams for an outlet that would bring relief, when all the while, Jesus has been drawing me towards him. I cannot fix the people around me. I cannot control them. I cannot keep them from hurting me. I cannot change their behavior.

But,

I also cannot stay in a place to be hurt. I cannot keep blaming others for everything because I'm upset about my pain. I cannot deny my own role of dysfunction.

I CAN

start to make some healthier choices.

I CAN

forgive people before they change. Because they may never change.

Its not up to me to dictate or control or whatever it is I've been doing. I have not be honest with God about some things and I have felt somewhat scared I suppose to admit some of my fears. I have been throwing questions at Him regarding what to do, when to do it, how to do it, when this entire time he has been concerned with my
H E A R T
and that is step one. That is a very important Step One. When I put my circumstances (my question after question after question) in the forefront of my mind and the center of my concern, I am completely responding in anxiety and control! When I remember to seek Him first, he grabs ahold of my heart so passionately, tenderly and yet powerfully and I embrace Him the way He's been longing for and I have

Relief
Peace
Joy
Confidence
in Him.

Surrendered.

And suddenly, all my problems seem miniature. They no longer consume me. He does. Praise God, he satisfies the cry of my soul. And they are not immediately solved or dissolved even. No, the only thing that changes in the moment of surrender is my heart's understanding that He is in control and I am not. And now, my heart, instead of being full of anger, pride and anxiousness, is emptied out and beginning to be filled with a deep longing to be obedient to Him. I dont have all the answers or knowledge of what all i need to do. But, I know step one. and to get to step two, three, four, seventy-five, i need to know step one.

I am so grateful for God's sweet touch of mercy. His outpouring of grace and compassion over such a chaotic girl. He calms my spirit and brings peace to my soul. He is so precious. I am in love with Him even more tonight. I pray that as he continues to teach me His ways, I listen. And I grow. I want to keep responding to Him.

He breathed life into me from the start. How dare I believe that I can breathe apart from Him. What silliness. Now tonight, raw with confession and new skin, i am breathing.

Breathing Deeeeeply.


In Jesus Name,
Amen.

Party hat, here I come!

This was a lovely day with my sweet girl. I love the once-a-month visit I get with her!

We planned to take a picture together and she decided, all by her 6 year old self, to throw down the peace sign. The girl knows whats going on.



Austin is in China. He's been there for Too Many days and comes home Not Soon Enough. I am currently in his TEFL classroom in Shanghai via Skype. For two weeks and two days we've had terrible internet connections, if any at all, but tonight it was crystal clear! I could see him perfectly and hear him so well. And I got to meet a couple classmates. It was so refreshing to see him again - the distance is opposite of enjoyable. Its more-than-hard to have your best friend so far away for so long. Three weeks and five days till he's back! The word to describe my level of excitement has yet to be discovered by the English language...

Dear June 8th,
I'm already grateful for you. His homecoming will be more than a joyous occasion.

Party hat, here I come!

I suppose the next few weeks will be happy weeks for numerous reasons. Next week, summer begins. Notice how the word school did not directly follow summer?

Yes, me too.


As for the fun to be had, where should I begin? I suppose my days will be filled with:

rock climbing
Hawaii going
sun tanning
football throwing
Evie holding
movie watching
Beth Moore studying
Actual Bible studying
sunrise witnessing
scarf knitting
book reading (and finishing...for once.)
Deaf event attending (!)
cookie baking
then
cookie eating
non-braces wearing
types of things.

AND - a lovely friend and talented Acrobat, has moved back up to my side of town and I cannot wait to have many Blue Moon mornings with her.

AND - a dear friend and unofficial brother, will be moving to this Golden State (hopefully with his gal - cross you fingers!) and I can only imagine all the fun double-dating that will occur. Well, including the Acrobat and her CamMan, I suppose triple-dating!


Well, I've blogged for so long that I've missed my window of opportunity to escape to my bubble bath and now its nearing bedtime. {Which really means book time till my eyes burn so much I can't read the words clearly.}

Goodnight to all, or just to me.

This has been a rambling on and on type of blog. Oh well, better luck next time.

Excited,
Zulu