Good Morning, Blue Moon

After a record-breaking night of procrastination, last night I decided to quit my time-wasting and go to bed. I set my alarm for 5:30 am to finish my cheat sheet and studying for my midterm this morning. I hoped to wake up to a burst of motivation and focus. And that I did!

I finished my work in just an hour and a half, with 30 minutes to spare before having to take off to class. I've been able to enjoy the still morning, make eggs, drink my tea and tell this blog all about it. My mother came down and enjoyed the morning with me as well and it was so lovely. What a treat. I told her i enjoyed this pace in the early day and she predicted this type of morning wouldn't happen again any time soon seeing that I take my sleep very seriously. She is so right. She said this was probably just a 'once in a blue moon' thing. Jokingly and in a sarcastic defense I replied that if I did this more than that I would probably lose my appreciation for it.

Which is probably the farthest from the truth. How could one tire of such a peaceful way to start the day?

Well, I suppose its time to continue on with my non-rushed morning before I wait to long and find myself darting out the door like every Tuesday and Thursday morning.

Good Morning, Blue Moon Morning and good day to all.

Taking my time,

Zulu

Home Sweet Home

It is a late night before an early morning.

My body is already regretting starting a new blog. I cannot simply jot down a thought or two in a few minutes and call it a night as I easily rest my head on the mattress {I don't usually use a pillow.} However, I cannot deny the urge to empty my thoughts here and now. I am a wordy girl. And being wordy requires time. Even if this blog ends up being short, don't underestimate the time I spent re-reading, revising, re-phrasing, adding, deleting, etc. And none of that re-whatever-I-just-listed is to impress you, no. Sorry to break it to you. I am just anal about the way I communicate. Even in journals that nobody (that I know of...) reads except yours truly. I want the descriptions I use to accurately do just that - describe what it is my thoughts are concerned with. I admit its a strength a n d a weakness.

Last night I attended church. It was the first time back to a place my heart had been longing for for quite a while.

And such a perfect night to attend.

Here I had been, in the midst of my struggles with criticism and judgment against those I claimed to l o v e , I was humbly convicted of my behavior and fell into the saving grace, yet again. I was reminded that God is just and right. And it is not His job, it is who He is.

He is always Love and always Grace.

He is constantly teaching me to drop my ruler with which I measure others against and look to Him for guidance and wisdom on how to love as He loves. And how can I do this if I do not love Him. And how do I love Him if I am wasting all my efforts on tearing others down? Wow, what relief I feel even now. When you judge and criticize another, you instantly obligate yourself to carry the responsibility to "fix" that person because, according to you - the perfect one, right? - they need to know where they fall short. That is a responsibility to big for my shoulders to carry. So, I am not meant to carry it. Man, how often have I busied myself with this unloving perspective when I coulda and shoulda surrendered to His arms and

plans of Love

and

plans to Love.

I fall short.

He reaches out.

They fall short.

He reaches out.

He reaches out.

I grab ahold.

He reaches out.

They grab ahold.

What a divine design. Notice, I had nothing to do with His sufficient grace involved.

May I daily be reminded of His Love and Mercy and deny myself. He is who I want to be more like. And thankfully, He wants me to be like him.

{{He's not like the BFFL in 2nd grade who totally like gets pissed when like she notices that like, you know, you're like "totally copying me" and you guys like don't talk for 2 recesses because like "she's just not my BFFL anymore".}}

Haha, that was fun. Back from my bunny-trail...He not only wants me to be like Him, He shows me how and what needs to be eliminated in order for His characteristics to have room to make a home. And in my heart - His home - may His ways reside and redecorate and overflow to all my neighbors. Our neighbors. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

Ahh. Home Sweet Home.

Be set free from the straightjacket that is slander and judgement. I swear it feels good to breathe.

I Sincerely expressed more thoughts that expected,

Zulu.

Random and Scattered

I love the summertime. The sunshine is so refreshing and inspires me to go outside! How lovely is the coast? Very lovely. That is the correct answer.

Today was full of To-Do's and I think I To-Did most of them. My friend comes into town tonight and I'm looking forward to some good fun. This is my only week of break from school since June and I am going to enjoy EVERY MOMENT! Even though, I am quite excited to go back to school. I've finally jumped off the band wagon of "School Sucks" and accepted the fact that I do, in fact, enjoy education.

I've noticed my blogs have been touching on more serious matters of the heart. Thats fine, but I don't feel serious right now. I feel Random and Scattered. All in a good way though.

There is a mouse in my house. He's quick.

Tomorrow holds:

[] Beach

[] Downtown shopping spree

[] Possible trip to the Birch Aquarium

[] Movie, most likely

[] At least one donut

Ew, i just found out I have to go help catch the mouse.

Hasta luego.

Zulu

He Is

Since when did society and our culture gain such heavy influence on how we should conduct ourselves in relationships? They are so wrong and backwards. They convince you to think that being honest and genuine sometimes is inappropriate. You don't want to scare the person off with your true feelings right? 

Lame.

If you can't be honest in a relationship - from the get-go - then screw it. There is never a level of comfort that makes it perfectly easy to confess real emotion, or confront difficult issues. So, if you practice the game-playing at the beginning of a relationship, then who's to say you'll get real overnight? If I can't be my complete self because of fear the other person won't approve, then I don't want to be with that person. 

I want to practice what I preach. 

Honesty. 

Realness. 

Transparency. 

I am a confident woman who knows what is important to me and knows who I am. I sure don't know everything, but I know I'm in a process of learning. I want the person I am to be with to know that what they see is what they get. I will not hold back my convictions when I have a gut-feeling to share them. I will also not play the blame-game. Funny how often I have. It doesn't do anything helpful. Its just a blindfold that shields my vision of the reality that I am imperfect as well. If I chose to take responsibility for my actions, then from there I will be able to move forward. And I want to move forward.

In everything I express I will express in love. If it is not wrapped in love then it will not be heard. 

I will chose to not be manipulated by society and their list of do's and don'ts in relationships. They are not the standard I measure my morality against. 

I seem to come back to the same struggles and frustrations in relationships and I get down on myself just as hard each time. But I am a child of God who gained VICTORY over these battles and I have the complete freedom to walk in that victory. I can move forward with the knowledge gained from experiences before and the very present wisdom of my Father and have confidence in who I am. In who He is in me. None of this is possible without Him and I do not want to ignore that.

It is okay if relationships go up and down. It is okay if they do not turn out as I expected them to. It is okay if i experience a bit of pain after-the-matter. I will be okay. I will grow. I will learn. I will love. I will lose. I will love again. I will trust always in the hope of Jesus Christ.

He is my rock in times of trouble. He is my sustainer. He is my steady foundation. He is.

Shake me up Lord, I am your woman.

Zulu

Next Times

I want relief.

I want peace.

I want clarity.

I want freedom from this emotional cell.

I want I want I want.

I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what I need. 

Besides one thing;

I need Jesus.

He has grace for me.

He has healing for me.

He is my safe place.

He is my comfort.

He is my source.

For strength.

For truth.

For standards.

For guidance.

For relief.

For peace.

For clarity.

For rest.

For joy.

In Him I find

acceptance

love

stillness

identity

purpose

passion

The heart is such a fragile thing. More fragile than I realize. I hate it when I'm reminded of its fragility because its shattered pieces scream of their brokenness so loudly that I cannot ignore it. No matter how many times a heart gets broken, it does not gain thick skin for the next time. Sadly, there are Next Times in life. 

Lord, you are always who gets me through. And you have the grace to teach me and refine me as your rescue me from the lows. Give me your perspective and wisdom. I adore you.

xoxo

Zulu 

 

Smooth Charm and Undeniable Grace

What is it about girls and chocolate? I truly believe there is an emotional commitment one makes with chocolate that bonds the two forever. 

The feelings, although not mutual, are genuine; the craving is passionate; the enjoyment is never failing; and the experience becomes a favorite memory. Loving Chocolate is not a half-ass gesture. It is not a fad either. You can see it has stood the test of time and multiple generations of devoted women that boldly committed before we ever did. 

And as obvious as it is that Chocolate never reciprocates the emotional connection, it always commits to follow through. Which, bottom line, is faithfulness. I've never been unsatisfied with Mr. Ghirardelli or Sir Nestle, the kind Hershey's or classic See's.  And that reminds me of a comical truth: we've personified mere ingredients to be faithful suiters. [Can I say 'we'? I don't believe I'm speaking only on my behalf so I will approve the use of 'we'.]

I just consumed a delicious Ghirardelli Ultimate Fudge Brownie which, by its smooth charm and undeniable grace inspired this post tonight. 

On a more realistic note, passion is oozing in my life lately in more areas than Chocolate. God restores weary hearts that sometimes forget of their amazing design and desire to have love and give love. I am so grateful for His refreshing waters that cleanse and renew.

Passionately, 

Zulu

I am in So Much Love

Life is so much fun! I am eating salami and cream cheese sandwiches and its my favorite little snack.My Surprise is getting more exciting everyday and I have the best friends in the world. How seldom do we stop to appreciate the good things in life?

This entry is for stopping. For appreciating. For expressing thanks.

I am so grateful that no pain in life is wasted. No sorrow has to remain, we are capable of healing and growing from such low points, from such difficult situations that challenge us and sometimes push our buttons.

Everyday is new, I was created in the image of God as a being that can have relationship not only with others around me, but with my Creator. And He is the only reason I can stand after a fall. He is the only reason I can improve as an individual. He created me, therefore He knows exactly the tools to use to fix my brokenness, He knows the exact process I will need to grow because He knows how I am wired...He did the wiring.

In the midst of my lack and imperfections, He loves me completely and fully. There is no part of our Relationship that I feel unsafe. He is my refuge. He is my strength, He is my love, He is my Father, He is where I know I belong. And in Him and through Him I can live.

This makes life exciting even when not-so-fun things are going on, because in those times He proves over and over He is my source of HOPE. And from that point on I can focus on the growing, I can focus on His guidance, I can focus on Him. I can trust. I can let go. I can be freed. Like I mentioned, He doesn't allow ANY pain to be wasted. Instead, He wants to use that place of brokenness or hurt, or low to reveal His grace and love and be our savior and rescue us and teach us and bring us further into the identity we have in Him. We are His children. And the love of my Father is perfect in compassion, perfect in hope, perfect in discipline, perfect in freedom, perfect in acceptance, perfect in every way.

I am so thankful He is perfect in patience with me. Each day is an opportunity to realize the depth of freedom I have in Him. To understand what it means when He says I am his kiddo. I'm his daughter. I am in so much love with Him and no matter what situations come into my life, I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. It is not my circumstances that have the power to sway my emotions and decisions and attitude. He is what is constant. He is what sustains.


Praise God.

I have such amazing friends in my life that encourage me and love me. The each are little gifts in my life. And I am more aware than ever that He knows the exact desires of my heart. In every thing. So, with that knowledge, I find myself excited to see how He guides me in each of my days, knowing that His thoughts and plans towards me are good.



xoxo
Zulu in love.

The Risk Invlolved

We've met.
We've conversed.
We've become familiar with.
We've been honest.
We've allowed vulnerability.

So far, so good. Yet, after a few times together and after the feelings that have grown I am now more realistically faced with the risk involved.
I am not scared.
I am not unsure.
I am not in doubt.
I am not confused.
Yet, at this point I feel as though the Haunting of Risk is beginning to whisper and I am in new territory as far as retaliation against it goes. I will not give into fear, which means I will have faith. I will not second guess my gut, which means I may see a bolder side to myself. It is entirely worth the risk. No matter the outcome. I will not stand by to be diminished slowly by the insecurities that naturally will have to be looked upon face-to-face. I will stay true to honesty and realness. Because I want honest and real results.
I am sure of where I stand at this point, and those feelings do not scare me one bit. I have never been this sure this quickly with the security of peace that I have. What scares me is the other person involved. Even though I feel they have kept to honesty themselves, I do not fully know where their heart is, do I? Even though they've expressed mutual feelings and excitement and even mutual nerves, I cannot know at this point in time if theirs are the hands trustworthy of my heart. Ultimately, at the end of the day, my heart is held safely in the hands of my Jesus. And that is my peace.

Time truly plays a vital role in the thoughts above and I pray that I seek the wisdom daily to take each day with each minute and not a second more. I long to learn to use patience. I think the absence of it has a lot to do with the nerves, anxiousness and fear.
What a learning experience life is. There is no day that I am incapable of growing. There is no situation I am incapable of gaining insight. As long as I live each day I will be refined. The key is actually living each day. I want to live each day.

I must surrender these thoughts into the heart of my Heavenly Father, they are of no good use to me here in my own mind and soul. They seek to destroy and confuse and I would rather live without the both of those.

On a more girly-I-have-butterflies-when-I-think-of-him-note,

He is adorable.
He is precious.
He makes me feel safe.
He makes me feel at ease.
He makes me laugh.
He is masculine.
He is hysterical.
He is joyful.
He is HANDSOME.
He has a beautiful heart.
He has a loving spirit.
He is tender.
He is strong.
He is bold.
He is quiet.
He is lovely.
He is intriguing.
He is a gentleman.
He is exciting.
He is mysterious.
He is so many things I've yet discovered.


He is my sweet surprise, even with all the risk involved.

Rob a Bank

Tonight, while driving back to the hotel, we looked to our right and saw a bank called:

Rabobank

Really?
Because that sounds exactly like Rob a Bank.

Thank you, nothing else needs to be said.

Zulu

Life is Full of Surprises

When you approach something new in life such as a situation, a person, etc. You always have a certain prediction of how it will be or expectation for it. Sometimes you are right and sometimes, most times, you are way off. This could be good or bad.

I recently have embarked on a new adventure in which i had very low expectations. Things are turning out way better than expected and everyday is a surprise. A Sweet Surprise. I am thrilled to continue discovering what this may turn into...a little nervous, but excited nonetheless. 

I'll update later.

Life is just full of surprises!

Tis the Season

Not one, for sure two, possibly three wedding engagements thus far. I adore weddings. Not in an obsessive way, but I think they can be the most beautiful celebrations.

One and two confirmed, and three on its way. Three friends to be wed by January '10. One north, the second a tropical destination, and the third local. All will be extremely different. I will be sure to post a picture or at least a sentence or two on each occasion.

Tis the season for weddings. It has begun. And most likely will not conclude for another few years.

Also, BABIES! Miss Evangeline Rock Green was born just days ago and she is absolutely beautiful! Rocky, I am sure of it, is rejoicing in Heaven at the birth of his baby girl. Jena, I know, is already making out to be a terrific mother. Bless her.
Two other little ones were born just days apart from Evie as well. So, maybe tis the season for three.

Three weddings.
Three babies.

The 2nd job is going extravagantly well. I thoroughly enjoy working and meeting new, exciting, always interesting people. And the food is delicious. I love Greek food. I was pretty anxious to start the job, but I think it was mostly just curiosity eating me away. Now the anxiousness is just excitement Well, maybe a little nervousness creeps in...I'm enjoying the excitment for as long as it will last before the shifts turn into something more mundane and excite-less. Which I am hoping my attitude will never tolerate such carelessness.

Today is my first half-day off and I'd say I'd get an A+, seeing that it is already 1:00pm and I sit here at the computer still in my PJs. Two more hours till Respite Care.

Tasks for today:
[] 1 thank you card
[] 1 Congrats-on-the-engagement card
[] organize laundry
[] record tips from yesterday
[] take a bubble bath
[] play a song


I'm feeling productive now. Enjoy your day.

Zulu

Life is Very Precious

The past 2-3 months I've been seriously considering thinking about getting a second job. And in these months I've realized something...I really love my free-time. And I actually have appreciated it, I haven't just wasted it, well, most days. I finished two books in record time, wrote a couple songs, slept more than 6 hours a night, bathed in the sunshine, watched a movie or two with mom and dad. Free time can present some wonderful opportunities to enjoy life and soak it in. I believe I've learned quite a few things in my recent free time...how to slow down and be still. How to be in the moments that matter and not get caught up in the moments that don't. 

Then, I went to dinner with the ladies...

And after my lame attempts of job-searching, the owner of the restaurant (a friend of one of my ladies) asked us if we knew of anybody that needed a part-time job! This position is exactly what I'd been looking for. Tips, little-to-no experience waitressing, flexible and part-time hours. By the end of dinner i had three shifts! I don't quite understand still how it all came together, but i realize now that its time to move on from such a grand amount a free time and pick up a little more responsibility. Not that I'll never have free-time again, much less of course, but still there. Since this second job I've felt much more motivated. Motivated with my first job, with school, with cleaning, with running errands. More focused. Less la-la. 

I know I do not deserve any credit in attaining this job. God knows my needs. What, when and how to provide. I wasn't even searching that night and He placed it right in front of me. I feel less stressed,  or maybe the word is fearful, now. And I don't think it's because I now have a fuller income, even though that is quite relieving, God has never stranded me and I've seen Him provide in seemingly impossible situations. No, I feel less (fill in the blank) now because He, again, has reminded me that He is right here with me. He never fails. He fills me with a peace in my deepest depth that only He knows how to find. 

I don't really know how to sort this out in a language whoever reads this will understand, but it's okay. I feel really wonderful right now. Way better than I thought I would after "sacrificing" my free time. And the free moments I get now, between my newly busy-fied schedule, I think I appreciate and cherish more than ever.

Life is very precious these days. I have wonderful parents, brothers, ladies & gent's, I've wept through good books and endured through not-so-good books, I've learned (not completely, yet) how to let go, how to trust and how to enjoy. I am so grateful.

Goodnight to the blog world, whoever you are, for now. 

i knew it

December 2007, the date i created this blogspot. I didn't even finish the first blog! 

I knew it. 

Well, a year and a half later, I'm back. Ready for round two. I'm not sure what exciting things I'll post on this thing, but if I come across something interesting I'll be sure to share it with you here. Maybe you'll find your visit to my blog, whether accidental or on purpose, worth your while.

There isn't much going on today, sorry. Besides the fact that San Diego is stunningly sunny today and I will soon be enjoying the day beachside, I'm not sure what else it holds. Its only 10am, the day is young.