I'ma Gone Hunt'n...

It is that time! I am quitting respite care two and a half years and six families later. Its quite a bitter/sweet feeling I'm learning. I am going to miss the joy the kids bring and the lovely fun we have together. I am going to miss the families accepting me weekly into their home and lives. And quite honestly, I do take pride in my job. Its very rewarding and not many people have the privilege to work in such an amazing environment.
I am excited, however, to move on. I am ready for something fresh, something new, a paycheck with actual numbers in the [$moneyboxpartofthecheck].

but,

That means I am on the hunt for a new job! Restaurants, coffee shops, anything! (which reminds me, why am I blogging in the midday when I should be application-ing?!) Hmm.
Anyway, I am hoping to find something soon! Bye Bye.

Gone Hunt'n,
Zulu Warrior

PS. in honor of me needing some m o t i v a t i o n...Watch and enjoy and maybe this will help you put a match under your butt and get done all your to-do's for today. xoxo

HoneyBear

This man. I fell in love with him quite some time ago. I'd be a fool to let him go. He is my HoneyBear. I adore him so. Mmhmm.




I love spending my days with him. I pretty sure I'm going to keep it up.



Home, let me go ho-oh-ome. Home is wherever I'm with you.

Breathing Deeeeeply

Tonight I hashed it out.
Tonight I realized where my heart has been.
Tonight I felt relief.
Tonight I learned I'm angry.
Tonight I learned I'm mad.
Tonight I learned I'm trying to control.
Tonight I felt my aching.
Tonight I realized I can let go.
Tonight I realized I have no idea how to do that.
Tonight I cried SOO hard.
Tonight I exploded but did not shatter.
Tonight I opened my eyes.
Tonight I confessed everything.
Tonight I felt safe to do so.
Tonight I spoke things I've never said.
Tonight I think i broke through some fear.
Tonight I became aware of the Blame Game.
Tonight I quit playing.
Tonight I felt hurt and alone.
Tonight I started to fall into the arms of my Father.
Tonight I start day one of many days to come.
Tonight I decided to grow up a little bit.
Tonight I decided to be honest with pain.
Tonight I decided to get real with my anger.


I have held in so many things that have built up for so long. I have been bursting at the seams for an outlet that would bring relief, when all the while, Jesus has been drawing me towards him. I cannot fix the people around me. I cannot control them. I cannot keep them from hurting me. I cannot change their behavior.

But,

I also cannot stay in a place to be hurt. I cannot keep blaming others for everything because I'm upset about my pain. I cannot deny my own role of dysfunction.

I CAN

start to make some healthier choices.

I CAN

forgive people before they change. Because they may never change.

Its not up to me to dictate or control or whatever it is I've been doing. I have not be honest with God about some things and I have felt somewhat scared I suppose to admit some of my fears. I have been throwing questions at Him regarding what to do, when to do it, how to do it, when this entire time he has been concerned with my
H E A R T
and that is step one. That is a very important Step One. When I put my circumstances (my question after question after question) in the forefront of my mind and the center of my concern, I am completely responding in anxiety and control! When I remember to seek Him first, he grabs ahold of my heart so passionately, tenderly and yet powerfully and I embrace Him the way He's been longing for and I have

Relief
Peace
Joy
Confidence
in Him.

Surrendered.

And suddenly, all my problems seem miniature. They no longer consume me. He does. Praise God, he satisfies the cry of my soul. And they are not immediately solved or dissolved even. No, the only thing that changes in the moment of surrender is my heart's understanding that He is in control and I am not. And now, my heart, instead of being full of anger, pride and anxiousness, is emptied out and beginning to be filled with a deep longing to be obedient to Him. I dont have all the answers or knowledge of what all i need to do. But, I know step one. and to get to step two, three, four, seventy-five, i need to know step one.

I am so grateful for God's sweet touch of mercy. His outpouring of grace and compassion over such a chaotic girl. He calms my spirit and brings peace to my soul. He is so precious. I am in love with Him even more tonight. I pray that as he continues to teach me His ways, I listen. And I grow. I want to keep responding to Him.

He breathed life into me from the start. How dare I believe that I can breathe apart from Him. What silliness. Now tonight, raw with confession and new skin, i am breathing.

Breathing Deeeeeply.


In Jesus Name,
Amen.

Party hat, here I come!

This was a lovely day with my sweet girl. I love the once-a-month visit I get with her!

We planned to take a picture together and she decided, all by her 6 year old self, to throw down the peace sign. The girl knows whats going on.



Austin is in China. He's been there for Too Many days and comes home Not Soon Enough. I am currently in his TEFL classroom in Shanghai via Skype. For two weeks and two days we've had terrible internet connections, if any at all, but tonight it was crystal clear! I could see him perfectly and hear him so well. And I got to meet a couple classmates. It was so refreshing to see him again - the distance is opposite of enjoyable. Its more-than-hard to have your best friend so far away for so long. Three weeks and five days till he's back! The word to describe my level of excitement has yet to be discovered by the English language...

Dear June 8th,
I'm already grateful for you. His homecoming will be more than a joyous occasion.

Party hat, here I come!

I suppose the next few weeks will be happy weeks for numerous reasons. Next week, summer begins. Notice how the word school did not directly follow summer?

Yes, me too.


As for the fun to be had, where should I begin? I suppose my days will be filled with:

rock climbing
Hawaii going
sun tanning
football throwing
Evie holding
movie watching
Beth Moore studying
Actual Bible studying
sunrise witnessing
scarf knitting
book reading (and finishing...for once.)
Deaf event attending (!)
cookie baking
then
cookie eating
non-braces wearing
types of things.

AND - a lovely friend and talented Acrobat, has moved back up to my side of town and I cannot wait to have many Blue Moon mornings with her.

AND - a dear friend and unofficial brother, will be moving to this Golden State (hopefully with his gal - cross you fingers!) and I can only imagine all the fun double-dating that will occur. Well, including the Acrobat and her CamMan, I suppose triple-dating!


Well, I've blogged for so long that I've missed my window of opportunity to escape to my bubble bath and now its nearing bedtime. {Which really means book time till my eyes burn so much I can't read the words clearly.}

Goodnight to all, or just to me.

This has been a rambling on and on type of blog. Oh well, better luck next time.

Excited,
Zulu

Good Morning, Blue Moon

After a record-breaking night of procrastination, last night I decided to quit my time-wasting and go to bed. I set my alarm for 5:30 am to finish my cheat sheet and studying for my midterm this morning. I hoped to wake up to a burst of motivation and focus. And that I did!

I finished my work in just an hour and a half, with 30 minutes to spare before having to take off to class. I've been able to enjoy the still morning, make eggs, drink my tea and tell this blog all about it. My mother came down and enjoyed the morning with me as well and it was so lovely. What a treat. I told her i enjoyed this pace in the early day and she predicted this type of morning wouldn't happen again any time soon seeing that I take my sleep very seriously. She is so right. She said this was probably just a 'once in a blue moon' thing. Jokingly and in a sarcastic defense I replied that if I did this more than that I would probably lose my appreciation for it.

Which is probably the farthest from the truth. How could one tire of such a peaceful way to start the day?

Well, I suppose its time to continue on with my non-rushed morning before I wait to long and find myself darting out the door like every Tuesday and Thursday morning.

Good Morning, Blue Moon Morning and good day to all.

Taking my time,

Zulu

Home Sweet Home

It is a late night before an early morning.

My body is already regretting starting a new blog. I cannot simply jot down a thought or two in a few minutes and call it a night as I easily rest my head on the mattress {I don't usually use a pillow.} However, I cannot deny the urge to empty my thoughts here and now. I am a wordy girl. And being wordy requires time. Even if this blog ends up being short, don't underestimate the time I spent re-reading, revising, re-phrasing, adding, deleting, etc. And none of that re-whatever-I-just-listed is to impress you, no. Sorry to break it to you. I am just anal about the way I communicate. Even in journals that nobody (that I know of...) reads except yours truly. I want the descriptions I use to accurately do just that - describe what it is my thoughts are concerned with. I admit its a strength a n d a weakness.

Last night I attended church. It was the first time back to a place my heart had been longing for for quite a while.

And such a perfect night to attend.

Here I had been, in the midst of my struggles with criticism and judgment against those I claimed to l o v e , I was humbly convicted of my behavior and fell into the saving grace, yet again. I was reminded that God is just and right. And it is not His job, it is who He is.

He is always Love and always Grace.

He is constantly teaching me to drop my ruler with which I measure others against and look to Him for guidance and wisdom on how to love as He loves. And how can I do this if I do not love Him. And how do I love Him if I am wasting all my efforts on tearing others down? Wow, what relief I feel even now. When you judge and criticize another, you instantly obligate yourself to carry the responsibility to "fix" that person because, according to you - the perfect one, right? - they need to know where they fall short. That is a responsibility to big for my shoulders to carry. So, I am not meant to carry it. Man, how often have I busied myself with this unloving perspective when I coulda and shoulda surrendered to His arms and

plans of Love

and

plans to Love.

I fall short.

He reaches out.

They fall short.

He reaches out.

He reaches out.

I grab ahold.

He reaches out.

They grab ahold.

What a divine design. Notice, I had nothing to do with His sufficient grace involved.

May I daily be reminded of His Love and Mercy and deny myself. He is who I want to be more like. And thankfully, He wants me to be like him.

{{He's not like the BFFL in 2nd grade who totally like gets pissed when like she notices that like, you know, you're like "totally copying me" and you guys like don't talk for 2 recesses because like "she's just not my BFFL anymore".}}

Haha, that was fun. Back from my bunny-trail...He not only wants me to be like Him, He shows me how and what needs to be eliminated in order for His characteristics to have room to make a home. And in my heart - His home - may His ways reside and redecorate and overflow to all my neighbors. Our neighbors. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

Ahh. Home Sweet Home.

Be set free from the straightjacket that is slander and judgement. I swear it feels good to breathe.

I Sincerely expressed more thoughts that expected,

Zulu.

Random and Scattered

I love the summertime. The sunshine is so refreshing and inspires me to go outside! How lovely is the coast? Very lovely. That is the correct answer.

Today was full of To-Do's and I think I To-Did most of them. My friend comes into town tonight and I'm looking forward to some good fun. This is my only week of break from school since June and I am going to enjoy EVERY MOMENT! Even though, I am quite excited to go back to school. I've finally jumped off the band wagon of "School Sucks" and accepted the fact that I do, in fact, enjoy education.

I've noticed my blogs have been touching on more serious matters of the heart. Thats fine, but I don't feel serious right now. I feel Random and Scattered. All in a good way though.

There is a mouse in my house. He's quick.

Tomorrow holds:

[] Beach

[] Downtown shopping spree

[] Possible trip to the Birch Aquarium

[] Movie, most likely

[] At least one donut

Ew, i just found out I have to go help catch the mouse.

Hasta luego.

Zulu